Ep. 11: It's a Journey, Honey
Nikki Cater
Love is a self-healing journey
Nikki Cater is on a personal journey, discovering new aspects of herself and observing the trauma and lessons of the past. Overcoming a hyper religious indoctrination and creating a brand new understanding of that what is intangible, Nikki describes her evolution as a woman, a daughter, a mother and sexual being.
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Introduction by Brittney Monique Walker:
Nikki Carter is a media maker from Los Angeles. In our conversation, she explores her spirituality through sexuality, weaving the two where there is no apparent scene. Recognizing that her sexuality began flourishing very young. She shares about the pivotal moments in her life that shaped her perspective of herself and guided some of the choices she made. Some of those with pride and others regret.
Now, as a proud mom of two, but a woman in healing. She marches on and seeks love and sexual fulfillment with a whole new view.
You're listening to the Black Narrative Experience.
Nikki Cater:
I grew up in the church. My grandfather. May he rest in peace. You know, he was a minister. So I grew up in COGIC Church of God in Christ. Just the whole thing about sexuality was a taboo. Just in general, just sex. You don't. Doing it is such a taboo. And one of the things that I do find and I'm just I have to say a contradiction within the black church is they have a problem with groups of people that have a certain type of, how can I say a certain type of preference.
It's like it's against the Bible. It's wrong, it's immoral. When it comes to natural sex between man and woman. It's don't don't talk about it. Don't tell nobody. And I'm like, what is this contradiction? If if if you're telling me that these group of people that are born a certain way and you feel like this is and you know, this is in God's plan and this is a condemnation, why is it that even just regular things that ‘is of God’ is considered, you know, dirty and nasty?
You can't have it both ways. Within the church, you know, the same group that is being demoralized is all in there. So it's, you know, sexuality with the black church. I mean, just the black community in general, there's so many stigmas within it and it affects the psychology of black girls, you know, like, you know, the whole thing about church girl, get yourself a church girl.
Now, the church girls are more THOTS than, you know, it's like it's a role reversal in sexuality and if that's the thing that I noticed because you know just growing up in the church especially just my body just like if a girl has big legs, she's automatically considered fast. Just just the shape of our bodies are being judged, you know, just by if a girl is born with thick legs.
Like I remember I went to West Angeles. I was part of the teen Usher board. And, you know, here I am. I'm 16 years old. Okay, I got hips. I got ass, you know, and I remember the skirt that I had to wear, you know, it was tight fitting on me. And even though it was covering my knee, the usher member, which was a girl woman, the Usher leader, she always made me feel so self-conscious about my body. And she was a skinny twig. And it was more of a situation of she didn't want me to entice the youth pastor because later on it came out that he was messing with some of the girls there. And I'm like, I'm not. That's not my lane. I'm not. So why are you projecting his issues on me when I'm a 16 year old girl? I'm just trying to participate in the you're part of the Usher board, and I do feel like there's a lot of black girls judged, just based on their bodies. They're just just a certain way and just Oh, yeah, you know, I know what you're about.
You know, why is it that is Eve’s fault? You know, it's like if you look at certain scriptures and certain stories, you know, religiously, it's always the woman's fault of why certain things are happening. Why is it that when I menstruate, it's it's a terrible thing. I'm 34 years old and it wasn't until a year ago I started to really embrace that time of the month, you know, as a celebration rather than a let me get it over with type of thing, because this is nasty, you know, And the whole thing about the vagina, you know, is nasty, it stinks. Mine doesn’t
The word vaginally like, or punani, are nanny or pussy or yoni. You know, it's like whenever you say anything dealing with the vagina, it's kind of like the you can't help but feel like it's a bad taste in your mouth and it's like, why is that? If this is what men love and this is what brings life, you know, when a woman is giving birth, she has one foot in death's door and the other foot in this world. She's bringing, she's summoning a spirit into this universe and the vagina, is nasty. I don't get it.
You know, I found spirituality. I left religion alone and I found spirituality. And in doing so, I learned a lot about myself, especially sexually, because sexuality is a part of yourself. You can't separate the two and just understanding the power of sex. I mean, I'll be honest, I've been having sex since I was 13.
And, you know, I realize it wasn't until literally a month ago. I was like, damn, I've been doing it wrong all this time. I've been just fucking all these motherfuckers in ego. I just, you know, because sometimes I, I get these thoughts like, well, so and so is probably doing something and fucking. I’m just going to go ahead and do me, you know what I'm saying?
Or you know, or I'm. I'm hurting right now, so I'm a transfer my pain to him, you know, because people don't understand that sex is spiritual. It's not what the low vibrational media is telling you. You know, the songs are skeet. I'm a come on, you're backing in all these love scenes and you know it it's it's deeper than that.
As a woman, that's your house. That's your home. When a man enters inside of you, you know, he's entering you know, he's entering your place. You're exchanging power because that's all sex is exchange of power. Now, I've been in certain situations in my past where, you know, I'll have sex with a person. And I mean, the sex would be great, but I still walked away feeling empty, you know, like, oh, that was cool.
But, you know, you know, whatever, you know, it's kind of like the feeling of, let's say you worked a hearty day and rather than having a good party, home cooked meal, you eat McDonald's. Yeah. It's not, you know, it's sufficient, but it's not satisfying. It's not fulfilling to you. And I'm I'm learning that it's more to sex.
You need to have a connection with that person. That's very important. And you got to be careful because people carry spirits. So when a man enters inside of you, you know you're taking a part of him with you. And I'm very selective with my orgasm. I can control my orgasms. So there's some times where I'm sexual with a guy and I choose not to come because you know what is an orgasm?
In French, they say that it's a tiny death when, you know, I notice that everything is all about the rise and the fall, the descending and the ascending. So and, you know, you know, when you have a climax, you feel that the clock is building up to that point and then you're there and then you go go back down, and that's the thing, because the whole act of an orgasm is when you get up to that point that that's the oxygen, that's the rising, that's when both souls are exchanging, you're exchanging the best parts of me.
It's like basically I'm committing suicide and I'm like, I don't want to die with you. I don't want to jump off this cliff with you. I don't want to exchange nothing with you. You know, I'm missing intimacy. Like I said, we're all ego. Like I. I'm involved with someone. And I became such a better woman just learning through him about me.
If that made sense. And we were, you know, in the middle of, you know, making love and it was in that moment I realized what making love is. I'm like, wow, I've been making love wrong all this time. And it's, you know, you can't have sex and ego. And what I mean by ego is it's not about trying to put it on a person or or what they can do for you.
But, you know, to some women are kind of like, you got to please me, no please yourself. You got to understand which you like, you know, And that's the thing about it. Like why is women not comfortable? It took me a while for me to put a hand mirror down here and look at myself and be comfortable with it and not be like, what is what is You know, I have two children.
I have a 13 year old and I have a nine year old. And I remember when I was giving birth to my daughter, they were like she was about to come out and they were like, Look down, look down. And I don't want to because I just I don't know. It's you know, a lot of women are disconnected from our vaginas because we're not taught to embrace it.
We're not taught to look at it, understand. And what this is, is, you know, all we know is it bleeds every 24 days or whatever. And and if you have a leakage, go to the doctor, we're not we're not understanding ourselves as very important. Like me. I name her Rakhi Carmichael. Yes. I mean, that used to be my club name.
No, I feel like every woman named their vagina because she's a person. You know, You've got to know what makes her happy, what she likes, what she don't like. She don't want to put on that nylon panties, it irritates. And we respond differently to different men or different sexual experiences. You know, not everything is a one size fits all.
I always, you know, saw sex as power because that's what it is. You know, growing up in the church, you know, you got to wait till you're married. You got to wait here. I am young and I'm like, damn, that’s forever, you know, are at least 18, you know? And then that's the contradiction I would hear even in the church is like, wait to marry. But if you can't wait until you’re married, at least wait till 18. And I'm like, what’s the fucking difference, you know? But I just I don't know. I was always curious about sex. Like, I remember like I was five, six years old and I would just draw pictures of it like my mom was very you know, I grew up in a single household and she put me over, you know, any man.
So it wasn't a situation of me constantly being around men. I am very grateful that I didn't have to deal with any sexual abuse. I came from a big family, ten, ten uncles. My grandparents had ten boys and one girl. That one is my mom. So and I was around men my whole life and I don't have those stories and I'm very fortunate for that.
But I was just curious for whatever reason, I was always curious about it. And I was 13 years old. I was attending Crenshaw High and I was talking to a 17 year old and he was going to Dorsey. I did it for me was before him. It was a guy that I really liked and I thought being a good girl would win points with a guy because that's how I was raised.
I was a straight-A student, you know, everything like that. And it was this guy that I was liking. But he was a bad boy. And I noticed that he will always give me the cold shoulder, but he would give this chick that I could tell she was active all the attention. And I'm like, I figured, well, maybe I need to join the big leagues.
So I end up meeting this other person through him, I had my first oral sex experience. You know, which was interesting because I got that on the first day I ever got an F, you know, first report card I had a F in one of my classes and he came over and then what he did and it made me feel better.
And I just felt like, wow, it felt like that movie Interview with the Vampire. Like after the main character became a vampire, how he saw shit differently, like, that's how he felt, you know? And I was like, wow. And I was kind of leery about penetration because he was kind of push it, but I was just comfortable with the oral.
But I chose to give him my virginity on New Year's Eve, December 31st of 1997. So my my first time was the vibe. Like the pain was pleasurable. I enjoyed it because I knew I wanted it and and I had two orgasms in 60 minutes. I kid you not I never even now I have not yet to achieve it.
It was just boom. And then it was great. And I enjoyed it. And he knew I mean, he knew what he was doing and I enjoyed it. But the thing that did it to me was when we were done and I looked down because like I said, I'm 13 years old and, you know, my room is like a 13 year old.
I got Barbie everywhere, Barbie sheets, Barbie curtain, Barbie rug, Barbie pillow. And then I look on the bed and this is big old blood spot, this big old blood stain, and he's looking at me. You know, first thing I thought you wasn't on your period. I'm like, No, I'm not. I don't know what the hell this is. And then I realized that me and my mom talking about the hymen, and then it was in that moment, I was like, Oh, wow.
And then in that instant, I had a little bit of regret because I was like, Wow, I'm a woman now. I'm in the big leagues. And it was like, Fuck, You know, it was kind of like the duality, like, damn shit is real. Like this blood is showing it because I know it's gone I gave it up. I was like, Fuck.
And the part that's so crazy was after that I did not have penetrational sex until two years later, you know? So yeah, I was too young at 13, you know. I had my son at 20 and a year after I had him, boom, I just snapped back. My body was on point. I loved it so freaking much.
And then a couple of years later, when I was 24, I had my daughter. And then that's when. And now we're talking 08. And we're talking the recession. My job did a Friday on me. They fired me on maternity leave. Some bullshit, right? So that's happening. During that time, I was in a very toxic relationship, very toxic eight year toxic relationship.
And that's when the weight gain and the health issues came through this unhealthy relationship. I had to deal with things physically that did traumatize me. I had three unwanted pregnancies. The first two times was fucked up because my daughter, I just had her. She was like six months old and I, you know, I got pregnant and then four months later I got pregnant.
So yeah. And then a couple of years later after that, I got pregnant again. And I just could not get on that table. So I opted for the miscarriage pill and that was traumatic. Just, you know, just it didn't release in the toilet. It released in the tub. That was very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very traumatic for me.
I never felt so helpless, you know, because all I know is I took the pill. I, I felt the cramps. You know, I'm sitting over this toilet and I see a whole lot of blood. I'm thinking, okay, well, I guess it passed. And then I go to take a shower and I had a drop the soap moment right when I bend down.
Boom, it came out in my baby in the sack and blood is everywhere. And I never felt like calling for my mom before, I was like, mommy, you know. And the water is hitting it like, oh, my God, Like it was very traumatic. And I'm like, what do I do? Like, I'm in this tub is full of blood and and I can't flush it down the drain.
It was right there. And I'm like, Oh my God. And so I, I got some toilet paper and I picked it up and I felt the body and I'm like, Oh my God, I feel it through the toilet paper. And then I put it in the toilet and I flush and it fucked me up so bad and through it all.
You know, my ex was mad because I did not want to have his children. I'm like, We're unemployed, dumb ass. Like, what the hell would I was a dumb ass to because I wasn't using condoms, so I can't really fault him. You know, I put my body through these things and and and I have regret for it, but I realize I never really mourned those three pregnancy.
Those were souls. But on my balcony, I have a little garden, and I knew I needed to give those babies life in some type of way. I need to tell them I'm sorry and I love them so I went. I picked some seeds and I named each. I gave them names, you know, And as far as my body, at this point, I'm not too comfortable with it.
Like even, you know, when I'm sexual, I prefer the lights off. You know, my issue was my stomach. That's my issue. You know? I mean, my blood is fine, you know, but my issue was my stomach and, you know, trying to lose my arms or whatever. But I'm self-conscious. I'm not confident. And that's another thing with sexuality for me.
Like when my body is on point, I am better than any porn star, any actress out there. I am on it. But when I'm, you know, that's when I'm kind of I'm not really me and my partner can pick up on that. And they're like, stop. I like, you you see my dick is hard. I'm learning that sex is deeper than penetration.
Sex starts at the conversation with me. And for me at this point, for any man to experience Rocky, I need to connect with him mentally. I need to see how your conversation is. I need to see how do? you want to know in my mouth, do anything with your brain. Okay. You know what I'm saying? Like that is important to me.
How a man thinks is his his intellectual ability. You know, how he process things. You know, how he sees life, how he sees religion, how he spirituality, how he treats his family. These are things that matter to me. So if I'm turned on by you in your person, your spirit, then gang gang. I need a connection first.
Brittney:
You can listen to more stories or read quote essays at the black narrative experience dot com. Original music on this production is created by Achebe
photo Brittney Monique Walker